Eternal Revenge

I write to unburden myself, and this piece is no different in the agenda it carries from my previous ones (except of course for those meaning less crap). It’s been a long time since I put a single word. Not that I did not have anything to write, but just that there was not any incident that put me down as low as I feel today. Now what is it that triggered this nadir? In retrospect I feel this should have been the one of the best days in my life, I got my bike, I met the love of my life, and for a change I don't have much to do at work. In spite of all this I tread the abyss of the ocean.

I was nervous when I went to meet her, it was not the first time I met her nor is it going to be the last. But, I was nervous, it is almost a year since I moved away from her, and this is only the third time that I am seeing her since then. I did not want to talk; I just wanted to sit with her in silence, the wind blowing past us, the rays playing on our faces with the sun high above. I conceive something and my mouth does something else, I blabbered some gibberish for all the while she was there; I did not get enough of her. The courage to ask her to stay and spend some time, failed me. What am I to her, for her to accept this? Wouldn’t it be asking too much? It was more than enough that she accepted to come here, I don’t know.

My mind did not brood over that for long, I got used to missing her (as if I had any choice). Sometimes I feel terrible and wish she were next to me, just next to me, if only next to me. Ha, forget it that’s wishful thinking. I bring my self to the present. The train is long gone, I wanted to sit on the platform, but I find myself pulled me out to the road back where? I don't know but my legs seem to, they put me back safely in my office. On the way I was thinking of how the market was going, it has declined over the past few days by leaps and bounds, and this realization brought back a smile on my marvinic face. The other muscles were not comfortable with this, as they were disturbed from there place which they occupied for eternity. They forced the smile to vanish, and took over the blank look which was relaxing to them. Who am I to disturb there peace?

I cry, I grew up in a society where “Boys don’t cry”, was the norm. I never subscribed to that, but I always found it hard to cry. Now as I write this I want to cry, cry my heart out over something that I don’t know, something that I did not wish would happen, someone whom I cared for, someone who never cared for me. In spite of my strong urge my eye are incapable of shedding a drop. I asked them, “Why, why do you treat me like this? Why do you desert me when I need you the most?” They shoot back with out any care “Boys don't cry”. How do I make them understand that “Boys do cry”, How do I make them realize that “I am different”, not like others whom they adored in the past. How How do I make it clear to them that I, I a boy, does want to cry.
The paper over which I am writing this, is gloomy, the computer which I use to edit is in tears, the key board is grieving beyond my control. How sad that a dead piece to which I am no relation at all, shares my feelings; when my very own ”Living” parts of the body fail to understand me .

I think of my aspirations, my goals, to pull myself out of this dungeon. Yes you guessed it; it pushes me more into the pit, if that is what you call a place deep inside that earth where you have no space except to breath. My eternal friend my brain questions me on the veracity of my existence, I get hurt by its suspicion, do you think it cares? No, it pits more salt on the wound by questioning my achievements to date and the path I have taken.

Enough, enough of trying to demoralize me, I am not going to get into your words; I am not going to let you go for all this insult. I will punish you; I will see to it that you will never do this to anybody. Saying this I walk out, I walk out of that hell which has confined me for all my life, now I am a free bird. Just see that body, now without any movement as if life less, it will burnt now. Ha ha a nice lesson for insulting me, for not cooperating with me. I wish it were given electric furnace, move it to ashes with out much ado; then I will be happy, happy for the eternal revenge I took with the other side of myself.